THE STORIES

Lani's Story

I didn't notice the warning signs until later on in the relationship. Maria was impatient and would get really frustrated about things that were out of her control... like we would be stuck in traffic and she would start cursing and get real angry. I couldn't do things the way I wanted to anymore. She would hold on to my bankcard because she said I didn't know how to handle my own money, then she would go and empty my account and spend all of it. She told me that all of my friends were stupid and that I couldn't hang out with them anymore. She isolated me from everyone, especially my sister; I think because we were so close. The first time she hit me, we were at a party. I was talking to some friends when she asked me to come outside with her. She pushed me and threw me on the ground. She started hitting me repeatedly. After she would abuse me, she would always apologize and promise to never do it again. When I told her that I couldn't take it anymore and that I wanted to leave the relationship, she would threaten to kill herself.

For me, I didn't realize it was abuse until it got physical. I was always taught that boys shouldn't hit girls... but no one says anything about girls hitting other girls so I didn't think it was dating violence because I was in a relationship with another girl. In the end, Maria had complete control over me. I decided that I was going to tell my sister about the abuse and that was the first step to leaving. You can never change a person who is abusive by loving them more or by doing exactly what they say. They need to change on their own.

Misty's Story

The first time Alex hit me was when we were waiting at a bus stop to go to the mall. He had done other stuff to me before, but he had never, ever hit me. We were arguing about something and I don't remember what I said but he whacked me hard across the head and it happened so fast that I didn't know what to do. I guess I was in shock, you know? Like I was stunned. I didn't cry or yell or nothing like you see on TV or whatever. Even though it hurt, I just sat there. Then I realized that Alex was the one crying – like full-on crying! He said he was sorry and that he didn't mean it and he only did it 'cause he was stressed out and I had made him angry. He looked so upset and he kept telling me that he loved me so much and didn't want to lose me. I felt really bad for him and at that moment, I totally believed him. I believed that he was sorry and that he loved me because I loved him back and when you love someone, you trust them.

The thing about abuse is that people think you get hit or beaten all the time, like everyday. But that's not true. Alex hit me sometimes, but most of the time he just made me feel scared that he could hit me or that if I did or said the wrong thing, he could get violent. He played mind games with me and messed up my head so I was always afraid of him and always did what he said. That's what made it hard to leave him and only when I talked to people about what was happening did I realize that my relationship wasn't normal. I learned that I wasn't wrong for loving Alex, but I had to think about my own safety and what I deserve in love.

Jacob's Story

I don't really remember when my dad started hitting my mom. It just always happened – like for as long as I've known my dad, he's always been like that. It got to the point at my house where it was normal and me and my sister knew what to expect. We would get all nervous when his car would pull into the driveway and depending on how loud his voice was or how hard he slammed the front door, we would know when to start hiding. There were a couple of times when I tried protecting my mom, thinking that because I was his son, he would stop. I would try to throw myself in front of her and when that didn't work, I would try talking to him. Like an adult, you know? I thought I could convince him to have a man-to-man conversation with me and he would realize what he was doing and not hit her or yell at her anymore. But he would just turn on me instead or get even angrier at my mom for "turning me against him".

A lot of things have happened and my dad's pretty much out of the house and out of the picture now. That doesn't mean me, my sister or my mom are ever gonna forget about him and what he's done to our family. I feel like I'm the man of the house now and that I have to take care of things but I want to do it the right way, not like my dad. When I have kids, I want to show them that a real man respects himself and his family enough to never hurt them. I want to teach them that it takes more strength to talk stuff out and even get help if you have to – more than it does to hit the people you're supposed to love. I would never, ever want someone I love to have to hide from me.

Janine's Story

I had been going out with Vince for a little over a year when I decided to break up with him. I didn't like the way things had been going in our relationship – he was jealous all the time and was always checking my cell phone and MySpace page to see who I'd been talking to. He made comments about my clothes, my makeup and my hair. Vince would say I was dressing too slutty and he didn't want guys looking at me or he thought I wasn't sexy enough and would make me change clothes. I could never make him 100% happy. I also didn't like the way he talked about my friends and family – he said they were stupid and tried to make it so I never got to talk to them or see them. So one afternoon during spring break, I told him it was over and that I couldn't be with him anymore. He didn't say a lot – he just kind of sat there and looked upset. When I left, I thought it had gone okay and that I was free to move on with my life.

When school started up again, Vince started showing up unexpectedly. He would stand outside of the fence and wait for me when school got out. He would try to talk to me and when I told him it was over and I didn't want to see him anymore, he would get really mad and say things like, "If I can't have you, no one can". At first, I passed it off and thought he would get tired of following me around. But he didn't stop and it just got worse – he was everywhere I was all the time. I had to change phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and delete my MySpace page completely so he would stop contacting me. One night it was really bad. Vince had found out my new cell number somehow and called me in the middle of the night, saying he was going to kill himself. He said he had a razor and was getting ready to cut his wrists. He was crying and sounded really, really scary. I begged him not to go through with it and he told me that since I broke it off, he had no reason to live. After about an hour, he suddenly hung up. I was so worried that he had hurt himself, I called the cops to check on him.

I found out later that he had hurt himself but not enough to do serious damage. His suicide threat really made me see that Vince needed serious help – help that I couldn't give him by myself. It also scared me so much that I realized how dangerous he could be. I did love him and I probably always will, but I know now that I couldn't be responsible for someone like that. I also learned that while we were together, he was emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive and that our relationship wasn't necessarily over just because we broke up. I would want to tell people to make sure they stay safe even when they break up with the person because that time can be even more dangerous. I know I shouldn't blame myself for what Vince did, but I think if I had told someone sooner about his behaviors, maybe it wouldn't have gotten to that point.

Kainoa's Story

Daniel was my best friend since elementary school and he was like a brother to me. When we were growing up, we played on the same sports teams and went to summer fun together when school was out. My family always invited him over for dinner during the holidays and when it was my birthday, my mom would take me and Daniel to Ice Palace and she would buy us pizza. By the time we got to high school, we were still friends but Daniel had started going out with a girl named Sarah so we didn't really hang out as much as we used to. One day, I was walking home after school and I saw Daniel and Sarah on the other side of the street. I was going to say something, but I noticed they were arguing and Daniel looked mad. Sarah didn't say much – she just looked down the whole time while he yelled at her. I guess he saw me watching them because Daniel looked over at me and grabbed Sarah by the arm and they walked away. I was pretty shocked because I had never seen Daniel yell at anyone like that before and I felt bad for Sarah because she looked so shame. I never said anything to Daniel about what I saw and I'll always feel bad about that. I didn't know what to do because Daniel was my friend and I didn't really know Sarah that well but I knew what Daniel did was wrong.

The next time I saw Daniel and Sarah, we were eating lunch in the school cafeteria and Sarah accidentally spilled her drink on the table and some of it fell on Daniel's lap. Sarah quickly tried to clean everything up with her jacket and Daniel just sat there. You could tell he was getting mad 'cause his hands were shaking and his face started turning red. All of a sudden, he pinched Sarah super hard on the back of her arm and started calling her "stupid", "messy", and "retarded". Sarah looked at Daniel and at me, said she was sorry, and ran off. When she left, I asked Daniel why he did that and he said Sarah made him mad sometimes and he had to keep her in check. He told me not to worry about it because he didn't do it all the time – Sarah just needed to learn to stop messing up. I told him that he was the one who was messed up and that he needed to stop treating her that way. Daniel got all pissed again and accused me of wanting to hook up with Sarah and told me to stay out of his business. He walked away and I made the decision to tell our school counselor about what I saw.

I'm not sure if Daniel ever got the help he needed, I just know that he stopped coming over and stopped talking to me. He wouldn't even say hi or anything when we saw each other around. At first, I felt guilty for betraying him and I wasn't sure if I did the right thing but I was angry at him for acting like that. Last year, I heard a rumor that he was forced to transfer schools because Sarah's parents had gotten a restraining order against him. I don't know if that's true but I know I haven't seen Daniel around school for a while now. I tried calling him a couple of times, but he never answers and never calls back. I'm disappointed that I lost a really good friend but I had to say something and I know I can never be friends with someone who disrespects other people like that.

Alana's Story

I met Ian during the summer when school was out. He was my friend's neighbor and I would always see him in his garage, working on his car. I knew he was much older than me, but he was so cute and seemed really nice. He always gave me and my friends rides to places and sometimes he would take us all to the movies. We started dating and things went really well in the beginning. Ian always drove me around and picked me up from school which made my friends super jealous that I didn't have to wait for the bus with them. He was so mature and would open doors for me, buy me flowers, and take me out to eat at nice restaurants. He lived with his aunty but he had his own part of the house so we always had privacy when we wanted time for ourselves. I was so in love with him and all I did was talk about him to everyone - except my parents. They suspected I was dating someone but they didn't know who and I didn't want to tell them because I knew they wouldn't approve. I lied to them a lot, telling them I was going out with a boy in my class and I felt bad about it but I didn't want to lose Ian.

We were going out for about three months when Ian started talking about "moving to the next level" in our relationship. All he wanted to do when we were alone was either make out or talk about sex and it made me really, really uncomfortable because I knew I wasn't ready. When I tried to tell him that, he would get angry – he said that I didn't trust him, that I didn't love him, and accused me of cheating on him. Then he would beg and say he was sorry for yelling and that he really just wanted to show me how much I meant to him. After a while, I gave in. I'll never figure out why – maybe because I felt bad for him or because I wanted to "prove" that I loved him, too.

After that, things moved really fast between me and Ian and our relationship started to fall apart. Ian got really possessive and sometimes he would push me or slap me when we got into fights. When I asked him to come with me to the clinic so I could get birth control pills, he flew off the handle, saying that if I really loved him, it wouldn't matter if I had his baby or not. He said that if he ever caught me going on the pill that he would tell everyone I was having sex with him, including my parents and that everyone would think I was a slut. I felt powerless and I didn't know what to do.

When I look back on our relationship now, I can see that Ian only wanted to date me so he could take advantage of someone younger than him. I really did love him but I'm not so sure he honestly loved me back. I learned later on that Ian had gotten two other girls pregnant and one of them had a restraining order against him. I wish that someone had told me back then that love isn't about sex and the physical stuff – it's about being with someone who respects you and your choices enough to be okay even when you don't see eye-to-eye.